My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Randomize
