i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Randomize
