Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
