Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
