If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
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On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
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I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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