Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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