Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
God I need to hump something, right now.
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