Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
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Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
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