I'm so fucking centered right now
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
