I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
