He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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