were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
