Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
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Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
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I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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