I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
My vagina just clenched in fear
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
