I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
