Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
