I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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