I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Randomize
