every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize