Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
