Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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