She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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