Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
