I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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