I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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