I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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