Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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