Need sex. Gaining weight.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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