After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
