I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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