Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
