You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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