I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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