I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Randomize
