hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
my shit smells like andre
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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