community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
