If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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