I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
