Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
