Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
