Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize
