If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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