I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
