seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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