WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
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