Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
