I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
