He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
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