you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
