So drunk its hurt
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
