just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
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