sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
