areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
