Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Randomize
