I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
