I'm really into asian looking animals
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
